discovering solace

• Eating rice and curry on a rainy Sunday afternoon. There's nothing that warm basmati rice, dhal, pol sambol and chicken curry can't cure. Besides, nothing and I mean nothing tastes as great and fulfilling as rice and curry.

• Sitting on the beach at Buba on a Sunday evening. Breathing in the salty air and the soft breeze rippling through your hair whilst watching the sea is quite relaxing.

• Curled up on a chair in boxers and a huge tshirt and watching Nigella Express.

• Ditto for Gossip Girl, Bones and Glee. Friends too.

• Walking by myself on the road while on my way to work in the morning. Allows me plenty of time to just think about anything. I love how the voice inside my head sounds at that time of day.

• Catching a whiff of really great perfume. Something that makes you stop in your tracks and look wildly around for the person wearing it.

• Hugs. Warm. Safe. Breathing in the person's perfume and letting it linger in your memories.

• Sitting on the wall at Galleface Green and watching the sunset with your friends' laughter in the background. Always makes me feel happy.

• Curling up on bed with soft pillows at Nanna's place during cousin sleepovers.

• Plus playing childish games with them cousins like Robin Hood, Boys and Girls and Hora Police.

• The warmth and aroma of Mama's brownies baking in the oven.

• Looking out the window during long car rides to Seenigama and listening to the Beatles.

• The first few days of a developing crush. When text messages make you smile unknowingly. When smiles from the 'other' make the butterflies in your tummy seem as though they're on a Red Bull high. When the very innocent flirting takes centre stage in your life. When, all of a sudden, you love how your name sounds when he talks to you or calls you. When eye contact with him keeps you wide awake at night, still thinking about it. When you are aware that the attraction is mutual but silence and exchange of shy smiles is all you need.

• Paying extra close attention to the tortoises and their antics.

• Cream crackers with ice cold strawberry jam. Fresh out of Nanna's fridge.

• Those occasional moments when inspiration hits you hard and you're frantically typing down thoughts into your phone. Almost giddy with excitement and scared that the inspiration will perhaps fade away.

• Suddenly waking up in the middle of the night, hungry and in desperate need of comfort food. Usually taken care of by shifting feet downstairs temporarily for warm soupy noodles or a mug of chocolate icecream sprinkled with Milo powder. Mama always finds this activity of mine rather strange.

• That awesome time of year when your school besties come down for vacation and you can spend hours catching up on school gossip, boys, life and that irresistible piece of chocolate fudge cake you had the last time vacation rolled around.

• Whipping out my camera and getting close-to-perfect shots of food.

just so you know

picture courtesy of Flickr

I hadn't remembered that I don't feel giddy or lightheaded any longer at the sight of you. Or that the word euphoria didn't make itself a constant presence in my mind's vocabulary. I will go through the tagged pictures without any feeling inside me. Cos yeah, that's how I feel about you. I'm guessing you wouldn't even stop to think how much you made me happy but I guess the 'happiness' wasn't really worth it.

The incessant text conversations make me go a little nostalgic and the important dates saved in my phone calendar do make me go a bit more nostalgic but that's it. Constant whiffs of the fragrance you so famously wore makes itself a regular presence in my life. Remember the day we went to the beach with our friends one Sunday evening? How we carelessly kicked back sand and held hands amidst the emotional waves and bright blue sky is still imprinted on my mind.

Just like those picture perfect postcards I used to collect back when I was younger. I'll miss your hugs and that flashing smile. And once how you quickly changed a song on the stereo system in your car just cos I casually mentioned that the song was my current favourite and also my ringtone.

But that's it. I hope you know now that you cease to exist in my not-so-perfect life.

maybe. maybe not.

Dear diary,

There are a million things I would like to do and get over with.

A million little things to shed some tears for.

A million little things to scream out loud.

A reason to feel alive and not vulnerable.

A reason to cry out whatever you're feeling deep down inside.

Let the tears out. Don't bottle them up. Never bottle them up.

A reason to understand your life better. To understand why some people have to be the way they are. Why some people have it easy and some don't. Why some people pretend to be alright when they really aren't coping up well.

And why some people aren't really what you thought they were.

Love, Sarah.

x

You made me delirious.

So here I am reading what you surprised me with. Would you even know that I carry the book with a fierce grip, almost afraid that it would tear by itself or get lost on its own free will.

You wouldn't know that I miss your smile which pops into my head like flashing light when I least expect it.

Or the telephone conversations. Or even the way I incessantly blush to myself when reading your sweet and brutally honest text messages.

Did you get over me so fast? Or maybe you didn't.

Did you forget everything so quickly? Did you forget the times we spent together where we actually lost track of time?

I wouldn't know.

So do tell me.

Now you know why I had to let you go.

To 16 year old me

Dear Karapoththa,

Yes yes. I know what you're thinking. The stupid nickname stuck even though you moved halfway across the world to New York for a mere two months and then moved back again here to good old Lanka and started fresh at a brand new school. Well guess what? News travels faster than lightning can. So I suggest you deal with it and sometimes when you really can't take up the teasing, whack those boys. With the books you carry in your hand whilst walking towards Literature class. Trust me, it's a great feeling.

And by the way, just stop brooding over why you felt like your sixteenth birthday sucked so much. Sure, it just magically had to collide with the stupid car and its accidents and your sister's French Day at school. But so what? There's going to be tons more of these sucky stuff in the near future and some of it may not even have to do with birthdays. Just thought I'd give you a heads up.

Could you try studying a bit more and figuring out what in Popcorn's name are you going to do with your future? Seriously. Your other friends have some clue as to what they want to do five years from now. Shouldn't you be on the same boat? I suggest you give journalism a try. You always DID want to become a writer, so maybe you'd do pretty great at it.

And while we're still on the same plane, I think you should give up wishful thinking for a while. You are NOT going to get a chance to stare into Zac Efron's eyes and he is so NOT going to kiss you. Even if this applies to your nighttime dreams only. A couple years from now, you aren't going to be fantasizing about him. Cos he isn't going to be that great to you. Uh huh, it's going to be that hottie from Gossip Girl.

Just thought you should know.

Love, nineteen year old me.

x

Impatience

The rain falls continuously.
And the longstanding pain persists.
Flashbacks run miles through my mind.

I sit here in the cold forgetting to wear a sweater.
Fierce tears roll down my cheeks.
And I don't grab a tissue to wipe them away.

Why won't they hurry up already?
I'm waiting.
But I don't think they hear me.

I Gotta Feeling!

A list of the truly amazing feelings ever!

• Eating isso vadai with Mel, Nab, Zo and the family. Sheer bliss.
  
• Holding hands with Nipuna and skipping on the road on a rainy day and of course NOT forgetting the puddles just waiting to be jumped on =)
  
• Blueberry icecream and barbequed chicken with Zo in her kitchen at 3 something in the morning.
  
• Driving around with Sandy. Undoubtedly the sexiest driver ever!!
  
• Spending quality time with Nate. For those of you who don't know, Nate is my PINK camera xD
  
• Cracking pervy jokes with Mama and all my cousins whilst sitting on Nanna's coffee table at her place.
  
• Ditto sleepovers at Nanna's.
  
• Watching cheesy Hindi movies with Rahma.
  
• Champagne Supernova and Paradise City. Need I say more.?
  
• Staring out the window whilst driving down to Seenigama.
  
• Swings!
  
• Watching Pretty Woman with Melanie at her place.
  
• Dancing with Nab to 'Jaane Kyun' on Melanie's coffee table.
  

An ode to awesome-ness. Cheers!